Microsoft Marketing shown in source code
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#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void
main ()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market (bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise (RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while (everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time = ripe;
say ("It will be ready in one month");
order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware = TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say ("Yes it will work");
ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend (there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when (time_is_ripe)
{
arrest (journalist);
brainwash (journalist);
when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order (journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
}
release (beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce (more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore (customer);
order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal (their_ideas);
accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire (a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out (other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
buy (nice_little_island);
hire (harem);
laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void
bugfix (void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore (customer);
register (customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
}
}
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