Microsoft Marketing shown in source code




#include <nonsense.h> #include <lies.h> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main () { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market (bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise (RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while (everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time = ripe; say ("It will be ready in one month"); order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say ("Yes it will work"); ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend (there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when (time_is_ripe) { arrest (journalist); brainwash (journalist); when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order (journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH); } release (beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks; release (new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce (more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore (customer); order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy"); } } if (there_is_another_company) { steal (their_ideas); accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas); hire (a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out (other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); buy (nice_little_island); hire (harem); laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix (void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore (customer); register (customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */ } }